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Post by kelvana33 on Jun 17, 2016 19:24:52 GMT
Why am I just thinking of this thread subject now? Nothing better than a good shit story. See if any of you fuckers can beat this one, and please try.
I'm doing the detail for the movie "Stronger" starring Jake Gyllenhall who plays the part of Jeff Bauman. We have to shut down a busy street in my town so they can do a car chase scene. It's a busy street so they are doing it later on a Saturday night. They hire 3 of us. We get there at 10, and are told to stand by as they wont be going out in the street in a while. They have a tent set up, with all sorts of catered food and ask us if we'd like to eat. We go in the tent and if you have never seen the spread for a movie set, man is it good. Shrimp, prime rib, beans, mashed potatoes, fish, something for everyone. I have not eaten all day as I worked earlier and was busy with the kids sports after then went right to the detail. I am fully aware that when I eat shrimp, I have about an hour before those things start brewing in my stomach. No problem, theres a bathroom right next door, and theyre not shutting down the street for a couple of hours it turns out as JG is still shooting a scene up the street. I go on to eat tons of shrimp as it is awesome. I go back for more. 2 minutes later, my buddy who is doing the detail where JG is shooting texts me that he's on his way, they wrapped up early. JG shows up. He talks to a guy and I can hear him saying he's ready to shoot it. I talk to the other 2 details, and they say lets go. We set up, takes about a half hour, and we get the go ahead to shut it down and out the cruisers int he street to detour traffic. At just this time, my stomach turns. This thing is coming out and means business. I tell the two details, hold on a sec, I go to the bathroom, down the street and it is locked. I'm in a panic now. The people are waiting since there are 3 intersections and I am supposed to be blocking off one. I know I wont last 5 more minutes, two if I'm lucky. I tell nobody what I'm doing, I' decide going back to the station is my only hope. Everything else is closed. I put on my blue lights and sirens and hightail it to the station. People are pulling off to the side, I go through a few red lights, all to take a shit. I run into the station, stripping off my vest and duty belt as I'm running all while leaving my portable radio and cell phone back in the cruiser. I'm in there for about 20-25 minutes as this stuff wont stop coming out. I get dressed and I'm walking upstairs. Another officer asks me where the fuck have I been? They've been calling me over the air for 20 minutes, called my cell phone numerous times and have delayed the scene and now the other details and two sector cares are looking for me as they don't know where the fuck I am. Then, and by this time up 2 flights of stairs from the shitter, he asks, "What the fuck is that smell???"...I tell him that's why I'm late. I get back to the move set and the director, or whoever the fuck he is asks me what the fuck happened. I tell him, that shrimp you had in the tent reared its ugly head and wouldn't take no for an answer. JG comes out of the black Tahoe he's in and asks me, "did we just halt production so you could take a shit?"...Yes, Jake Gyllenhall asked me if his movie scene was put on hold so I could have a blow out.
Beat that one fuckers!!! I took such a big shit Hollywood felt it!!!!!!!!
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Post by NAS on Jun 17, 2016 22:19:16 GMT
That's so damn funny. Tons of laughs throughout!
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Post by Fletcher on Jun 17, 2016 22:47:35 GMT
Wow. I don't have anything in that realm.
You should have asked Jake Gyllenhaal how he'd like the alternative scenario. "Did we just halt production because 4 actors died in a car crash at that "closed" intersection when the cop shit his pants?"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 23:49:53 GMT
You should avoid the shellfish, it sounds like you have a medium grade allergy. I'm allergic to bees, and got stung by one last week...to make a long story short, it was a solid 7-10 bouts of Montezuma's Revenge in an hour. These things can go the wrong way in a hurry.
Let's see.
Four or five years ago, I was at my parent's house to watch the hockey game with my dad. I'm not sure which game. The instant I moved to Maine, they downgraded to a 2/1 while my sister was still living there. (Thanks. Might have been my moving back in to save up for a '66 Fender Princeton in mint condition). A classic Catholic four people to a bathroom scenario.
My sister takes the longest showers with the hot water cranked up until it runs out. No idea where my father went, but my mother was laying down inbetween periods and my sister is in the shower still and I have to take a colossal crap.
I decide to bring a Market Basket bag outside and take a shit in it. That part can escape the narrative lens.
Visibility is no object because their house is surrounded by woods on three sides. So I start the helicopter with the tied bag spinning above my head, looking deep into the woods. The bag flies out of my hands and gets stuck on closest tree branch. There's no way they can't see that as soon as they look out the window to see what I've been doing out there, so I acted fast and finagled the bag off the branch dodging shit clumps that seemed as big as divots on a gold course and I had to kick over a bunch of leaves to hide the bag.
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Post by RichHillOntario on Jun 18, 2016 0:40:47 GMT
I love this topic, kel! A good friend of mine enjoys telling this one. Even years later. Years ago, one of our best buddies used to work for Allied Van Lines during the summer. We might have been in our early twenties at the time. If you can imagine the living embodiment of Jethro Bodine, that's him. Anyway, one day, our friend and his crew of movers were on the job getting a family into their home. The husband was doing a lot of the work himself and reached a point where the whole family could move in. A key part of the story was earlier on that morning, my friend had a double-double coffee.
Normally, a morning double-double means he'd be doing some runny, log-rolling shortly afterwards. He drank one earlier before the move, assuming they'd stop at a can somewhere on the way to the job, if needed. Unfortunately, they were delayed at the location before and the driver, deciding to make up time, went straight to the house of their next delivery. Our buddy figured it was no problem. He'd just use the washroom when they arrived. They got to the home and the first thing he did was ask the man's wife if he could use the bathroom.
She directed him to use the one upstairs on the landing because she thought her husband was still doing some plumbing work in the one on the main floor near the front door. My buddy trotted upstairs, found the bathroom on the landing and drained his bowels. Turned the water in the bowl brown. He said he could feel the heat from his dump.To his horror, when he flushed, the mocha water began to rise and flowed over the sides of the bowl. Turns out the plumbing upstairs wasn't in working order either. My boy said he couldn't wait to leave. Plus he was caught in the dilemma of saying something to the owners or keeping his mouth shut. He chose to clam up and nervously went about his business, all the while doing his best to keep an eye on the stairs for anyone heading up to the second floor. To his knowledge, while they were there, no one did.
Once the job was finished, and the crew was on the road, only then did my friend tell the other guys what happened. They pissed themselves laughing. The couple even tipped the all four of the guys $20 each. Imagine the look on their faces when they went into that bathroom?
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Post by 50belowzero on Jun 18, 2016 2:53:15 GMT
Except for "The Empire strikes back", everyone knows the 1st movie in a series is the best, well that goes for Kels movie. Fuck that is an Oscar winner right there! Lol! Suck that up Jake!! Keep the shit stories coming, this is the best thread yet! Kudos to Henry & RHO as well.
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Post by bookboy007 on Jun 18, 2016 3:22:12 GMT
When's the draft, again?
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Post by kelvana33 on Jun 18, 2016 4:26:33 GMT
Just for that, I have another one.
My brother is a self employed plumber, and I work with him from time to time. We are in his van just getting ready to leave Home Depot when he realizes he is about to shit himself. He gets out of his seat, goes into the back of the van, empties out a Delta Faucet box he just bought and proceeds to shit his brains out into it. He finishes and climbs in the front. I tell him to get rid of his stink box, pretty sure he was going to leave with it in the van. He exits the van and puts the box right into an empty carriage in the space in front of us. He gets back in the van, I'm just laughing at him and he's telling me how he would have never have made it back into the store to use the bathroom. Right about now we see an Asian man coming and he's about to get into his car which is right next to the carriage that the shit box is in. The man puts his materials into the car and just as he's about to get into his vehicle he notices the Delta Faucet box in the carriage. He looks around, he quickly picks up the box and sits in his car. Now he's in a small sedan, we are directly in front of him in a van so we can basically se his whole upper half. We are fucking cracking up watching this, both of saying "don't do it"....He opens up the box, the expression his face is worth a thousand words, and proceeds to toss the box up in the air in shock. I'm guessing shit went everywhere because he came flying out of his car and stripping off his jacket all the while screeching like a cat. What a moment. \
Now, my brother is not ready to admit that my recent shit story is better than his, and not just because it is most recent. My argument is, that the only way his shit could top mine is if the Asian man in this story was Jet Li or Mr. Miagi.
Now, shut the fuck up Book, because I have one more for you, but I'll let you chew on this shit for a bit.
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Post by bookboy007 on Jun 18, 2016 11:40:55 GMT
You...have...ANOTHER story where a grown man nearly shits himself?
Lloyd?
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Post by bookboy007 on Jun 18, 2016 11:41:34 GMT
No wonder you're so obsessed with who farted. Early warning system.
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Post by walktheline on Jun 18, 2016 13:34:23 GMT
Man, this is some funny shit! Literally! lol
I have 4 brothers so there must be some good ones there but for the life of me I can't think of any right now. However, farts are related so I have a fart story. One of my brothers is the king of gross farts - sounds like he's squirting molten lava out his ass every time. But the odd thing is if anyone else lets go an air bomb near him he will gag. So, knowing this, one of my brothers is going up a ladder as he is helping my brother who gags at farts do something on the roof. Gag boy starts up the ladder right behind him so the first guy up the ladder decides to hold up, let gag boy catch up and then practically shits himself forcing out a hangover fart that would choke a hippo. Brother gag boy's head was less than 2 feet from the carnage. The gag reflex kicked in immediately and then the puking began. The farter is laughing hysterically to the point he almost falls off the roof, and my brother is puking, fuming mad, cursing at the laughing hyena on the roof in between barfs. I'm on the ground laughing so hard I can hardly breathe. To this day we can make him gag just by telling the story. lol.
Kel, your whole family are a bunch of sick bastards, I suspect. Awesome! lol
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Post by bookboy007 on Jun 20, 2016 16:48:40 GMT
Dog shit story. Best I can do other than school stories of turds so big the janitor had to fish tehm out and carry them to the dumpster in a grocery bag.
There's a forest park near my house where dogs can run off-leash. There are a few main clearings where people tend to congregate, the dogs play etc. There was this one big black lab we called the shit shark.
People in the neighbourhood are pretty good about picking up after their dogs, so in those clearings, there are lots of people holding goody bags of dog shit. Most people hold them by the handle, so the sort of hang from your hand about 10" down. Perfect bait for a shit shark.
The shit shark eats dog shit. In the woods, if she finds something not picked up, it's gone like surfer wearing seal fat sunscreen. The guy who walks her is constantly vigilant, trying to keep her away, and he picks up a lot of what others miss just to keep his dog from eating it. Because she gets really, really sick from it. One time he had her in a van after taking her to another huge dog run outside of town and she puked other dogs' shit all over the back of the van - just projectile shit vomit. And then before he could get her outside, the high-pressure spray diarrea arrived. So he has good reason to go to any lengths to keep her from eating shit.
We call her the shit shark because she stalks those bags people are holding. She knows that if anyone sees her get anywhere near a bag, she'll be foiled, so she's learned to be incredibly sneaky. One of the things she does and fade off to the edge of a clearing, so those who know her (almost everyone does) come into the clearing eyes open looking for her to see if she's there and if they need to find a can for the bag right away. When they don't see her...she stalks them.
So one day I'm the guy who doesn't see her. I've got two dogs - big dogs - so a full bag. I come into the clearing and don't see her or the guy, so I'm talking to people I know and the dogs are off doing dog stuff. Next thing I know, everyone's yelling and I have no clue why until I see that the guy running full bore at me is Jim - shit shark's guy. Too late. It's a run-by. She grabs the fat part of the bag, but I've clued in enough to what's happening that I'm whipping the bag away from her, so when she hits it, just like a shark, she just tears through whatever resists and I'm left holding the tied off loops of what is now a wide-open bag of shit in a big, fast moving dog's mouth.
Jim's in full flight after her. He catches up to her and he's trying to pry the bag out of her mouth. Shit falls out. He's in flip-flops, steps in the shit, and slips and slides his whole leg through it. That gives shit shark an opening to shake the bag like she's trying to kill it. Shit flies everywhere. Jim grabs her and pins her on her side - in shit - and eventually gets the bag out of her mouth. But now he's got shit painted all over him - his legs, his shirt, his hands...and all squished into the side of his dog. He just stands up, puts the leash on her, wraps up what's left of the bag and the shit, and drops it in the can on his way out of the park. Except for that one habit, he must really love that dog.
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Post by kelvana33 on Jun 20, 2016 17:00:52 GMT
Okay, I have 2 more. Here's one.
This one involves my son, who is about 18 months old at the time. Wife took my daughters out one day and I was home alone with my son, Landon. My buddy came over to watch the Pats game. We sat down on the couch, I gave my kid free roam as I blocked off the two stair cases so he coudnt go anywhere, typical dad way of watching the kids. My buddy brought over some stuff, including chips and salsa. While watching the game, my 18 month old son, started grabbing the chips and dipping them into the salsa..Much to my surprise, he liked it and continued to eat some for a while. We got him his own bowl as it was clear he was a multi dipper. No dip manners on this boy whatsoever. He did this for a while, my buddy couldn't believe he liked it. Anyhoo, my wife comes home after a bit and I'm helping her bring the groceries in and Landon is at the front door. As I walk past him, I notice this real bad, almost rancid smell coming from the doorway area. I thought for sure one of my German Shepherds shit themselves outside. Not the case. Finally my buddy picks up Landon and noticed the smell is coming from him. The wife grabs him and right way says, "oh my god, he stinks!"...She tells me to change him wile she puts away the groceries. I grab him by putting my hands on his back and right way I can feel his shirt is soaked in the back and I notice his collar is wet and dirty. I strip him right away. I notice his pants, and shirt, all the way from the top is caked in liquid shit. I call the wife over, I ask her how the hell is this possible. She asks me what did he eat and I tell her chips and salsa, and she asks, "why the hell did you let him eat that?"...I explain to her how he liked it. She cannot believe that the shit is up around his neck and asks did he take a nap? lay down? I say no, he stood the whole time. She strips him and proceeds to bring him to the shower to rinse him off as again, he is caked in shit, she notices it is above his neck line. My mind starts working here,and I tell her to hold on, we need to get some pics of this. She asks why. I tell her that, that kid had such a blowout, his ass defied the laws of gravity. NASA may want to look at this. I tell her how every kid shits their drawers, ours shit his collar..he should be in some kind of record book or something. This was the last time I was left alone with the kids for a while. Winner winner chicken dinner I say.
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Post by bookboy007 on Jun 20, 2016 17:07:26 GMT
Okay, I have 2 more. Here's one. This one involves my son, who is about 18 months old at the time. Wife took my daughters out one day and I was home alone with my son, Landon. My buddy came over to watch the Pats game. We sat down on the couch, I gave my kid free roam as I blocked off the two stair cases so he coudnt go anywhere, typical dad way of watching the kids. My buddy brought over some stuff, including chips and salsa. While watching the game, my 18 month old son, started grabbing the chips and dipping them into the salsa..Much to my surprise, he liked it and continued to eat some for a while. We got him his own bowl as it was clear he was a multi dipper. No dip manners on this boy whatsoever. He did this for a while, my buddy couldn't believe he liked it. Anyhoo, my wife comes home after a bit and I'm helping her bring the groceries in and Landon is at the front door. As I walk past him, I notice this real bad, almost rancid smell coming from the doorway area. I thought for sure one of my German Shepherds shit themselves outside. Not the case. Finally my buddy picks up Landon and noticed the smell is coming from him. The wife grabs him and right way says, "oh my god, he stinks!"...She tells me to change him wile she puts away the groceries. I grab him by putting my hands on his back and right way I can feel his shirt is soaked in the back and I notice his collar is wet and dirty. I strip him right away. I notice his pants, and shirt, all the way from the top is caked in liquid shit. I call the wife over, I ask her how the hell is this possible. She asks me what did he eat and I tell her chips and salsa, and she asks, "why the hell did you let him eat that?"...I explain to her how he liked it. She cannot believe that the shit is up around his neck and asks did he take a nap? lay down? I say no, he stood the whole time. She strips him and proceeds to bring him to the shower to rinse him off as again, he is caked in shit, she notices it is above his neck line. My mind starts working here,and I tell her to hold on, we need to get some pics of this. She asks why. I tell her that, that kid had such a blowout, his ass defied the laws of gravity. NASA may want to look at this. I tell her how every kid shits their drawers, ours shit his collar..he should be in some kind of record book or something. This was the last time I was left alone with the kids for a while. Winner winner chicken dinner I say. Except that I'd be chucking that chicken dinner right in the garbage after all of the shit in this thread.
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Post by bookboy007 on Jun 20, 2016 17:08:41 GMT
Also, I think there are lab techs who spend their days performing tests on fecal samples who spend less time with shit than kel. Or is that just an impression I'm getting?
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Post by badhabitude on Jun 20, 2016 17:27:03 GMT
I don' have much to add, other than saying a really good dump is underrated.
I made a home version of the product sold below. Works pretty good, less straining.
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Post by bookboy007 on Jun 21, 2016 2:28:40 GMT
I am not clicking on that.
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Post by sobchack on Jun 21, 2016 3:52:58 GMT
Kel, you need to punish a book "Shit Stories: Tales From The Crapper" or something. That's some funny stuff. Get Gyllenhaal to buy the movie rights.
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Post by 50belowzero on Jun 21, 2016 18:15:03 GMT
Okay, I have 2 more. Here's one. This one involves my son, who is about 18 months old at the time. Wife took my daughters out one day and I was home alone with my son, Landon. My buddy came over to watch the Pats game. We sat down on the couch, I gave my kid free roam as I blocked off the two stair cases so he coudnt go anywhere, typical dad way of watching the kids. My buddy brought over some stuff, including chips and salsa. While watching the game, my 18 month old son, started grabbing the chips and dipping them into the salsa..Much to my surprise, he liked it and continued to eat some for a while. We got him his own bowl as it was clear he was a multi dipper. No dip manners on this boy whatsoever. He did this for a while, my buddy couldn't believe he liked it. Anyhoo, my wife comes home after a bit and I'm helping her bring the groceries in and Landon is at the front door. As I walk past him, I notice this real bad, almost rancid smell coming from the doorway area. I thought for sure one of my German Shepherds shit themselves outside. Not the case. Finally my buddy picks up Landon and noticed the smell is coming from him. The wife grabs him and right way says, "oh my god, he stinks!"...She tells me to change him wile she puts away the groceries. I grab him by putting my hands on his back and right way I can feel his shirt is soaked in the back and I notice his collar is wet and dirty. I strip him right away. I notice his pants, and shirt, all the way from the top is caked in liquid shit. I call the wife over, I ask her how the hell is this possible. She asks me what did he eat and I tell her chips and salsa, and she asks, "why the hell did you let him eat that?"...I explain to her how he liked it. She cannot believe that the shit is up around his neck and asks did he take a nap? lay down? I say no, he stood the whole time. She strips him and proceeds to bring him to the shower to rinse him off as again, he is caked in shit, she notices it is above his neck line. My mind starts working here,and I tell her to hold on, we need to get some pics of this. She asks why. I tell her that, that kid had such a blowout, his ass defied the laws of gravity. NASA may want to look at this. I tell her how every kid shits their drawers, ours shit his collar..he should be in some kind of record book or something. This was the last time I was left alone with the kids for a while. Winner winner chicken dinner I say.
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Post by badhabitude on Jun 21, 2016 18:58:45 GMT
I am not clicking on that. Hell, you've gone this far. And I highly recommend the squatty potty, although you can make your own at home. I'm sure there are enough copies of John Updike novels you could use to stack up under each foot. Seriously, especially for us older guys. My hemorrhoids have pretty much gone away since starting to use them. Also you shit "more completely" using them. That last little shrimp that is reluctant to leave pops out much more easily.
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Post by goodnewsbears on Jun 21, 2016 19:37:04 GMT
I am not clicking on that. Hell, you've gone this far. And I highly recommend the squatty potty, although you can make your own at home. I'm sure there are enough copies of John Updike novels you could use to stack up under each foot. Seriously, especially for us older guys. My hemorrhoids have pretty much gone away since starting to use them. Also you shit "more completely" using them. That last little shrimp that is reluctant to leave pops out much more easily. I can't wait to get old enough that I need a footstool to take a dump. It sounds awesome.
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Post by badhabitude on Jun 21, 2016 20:53:45 GMT
Hell, you've gone this far. And I highly recommend the squatty potty, although you can make your own at home. I'm sure there are enough copies of John Updike novels you could use to stack up under each foot. Seriously, especially for us older guys. My hemorrhoids have pretty much gone away since starting to use them. Also you shit "more completely" using them. That last little shrimp that is reluctant to leave pops out much more easily. I can't wait to get old enough that I need a footstool to take a dump. It sounds awesome. Actually the other way around, I think if you are 'too' old you won't be able to use it. Or at least with the ones I made which aren't stable platforms, which makes taking a shit much more interesting because you have to balance on them. Basically it's using the squatting position rather than sitting. Much more natural. It's tougher at work. I use 2 soda cans stacked up under each foot. I carry them with me everywhere I go in a plastic bag so that if its a really nasty public toilet I can just throw the soda cans away. Of course since squatting (without any devices) is much more natural so I do that whenever I can. Any old parking lot will do for a quick squat, thing is you have to be careful about your wallet in your back pocket because it really sucks if your wallet falls out.
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Post by badhabitude on Jun 21, 2016 20:54:34 GMT
I can't wait to get old enough that I need a footstool to take a dump. It sounds awesome. Actually the other way around, I think if you are 'too' old you won't be able to use it. Or at least with the ones I made which aren't stable platforms, which makes taking a shit much more interesting because you have to balance on them. Basically it's using the squatting position rather than sitting. Much more natural. It's tougher at work. I use 2 soda cans stacked up under each foot. I carry them with me everywhere I go in a plastic bag so that if its a really nasty public toilet I can just throw the soda cans away. Of course since squatting (without any devices) is much more natural so I do that whenever I can. Any old parking lot will do for a quick squat, thing is you have to be careful about your wallet in your back pocket because it really sucks if your wallet falls out. For those that found that last bit a little far fetched... yes. I am shitting you.
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Post by goodnewsbears on Jun 21, 2016 21:00:49 GMT
I can't wait to get old enough that I need a footstool to take a dump. It sounds awesome. Actually the other way around, I think if you are 'too' old you won't be able to use it. Or at least with the ones I made which aren't stable platforms, which makes taking a shit much more interesting because you have to balance on them. Basically it's using the squatting position rather than sitting. Much more natural. It's tougher at work. I use 2 soda cans stacked up under each foot. I carry them with me everywhere I go in a plastic bag so that if its a really nasty public toilet I can just throw the soda cans away. Of course since squatting (without any devices) is much more natural so I do that whenever I can. Any old parking lot will do for a quick squat, thing is you have to be careful about your wallet in your back pocket because it really sucks if your wallet falls out. Oh, and there's another thing I thought of when I was watching the video. If ever I go the the BadHab's residence, I will never eat ice cream if it's offered, especially not peanut butter or coffee flavoured. After reading your last post, I will also pass on a can of soda if offered.
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Post by NAS on Jun 21, 2016 21:15:07 GMT
I would like it to be known that I am reading this while growing a tail.
Thank you.
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